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In the Late Hours of the Night


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In the Late Hours of the Night
It is always in the late hours of the night that my heart cries out, that the tears escape there hiding place.
It is in the darkness that my loneliness invades my thoughts and wells up inside me.
It is in the wee morning hours when most rest peacefully that I toss and turn my heart heavy and my mind refusing to rest.
It is always in the late hours of the night that I see my true reflection, that my heart cries out, reaching into nothingness hoping to find the answers.
It is in my imprisoned soul in the emptiness of the night that the heaviness in my heart threatens to drown me.
Darkness is my emptiness, it’s silence speaks to the silence of my heart.
There is no one to see, no one to hear, as silently tears streak my face and my heart is allowed to break.
In the darkness, in the wee hours of the night I am me. Feeling, releasing, mourning, letting go, so that when the light pours through the window my smile will be bravely in place.
It is always in the late hours of the night.
T. Jordan June 17, 2015

Memorial Day!


I wrote this a couple years ago…I figure what better time to repost and remind people to remember….

findingmyworth

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Memorial Day, A day, the last Monday in May (originally May 30th), on which those who died in active military service are remembered.

I wonder how many people have no clue what Memorial Day even means. How many people plan their BBQ’s, camping trips, and get togethers with nothing more on their mind than a cold beer and some laughs with a few friends.

It hurts my heart to think of all the men and women who gave their lives so that we could be free, all the families who lost their son, daughter, mother, father, aunt, or uncle. I can’t fathom the feeling of seeing someone walking to my front door in full uniform to tell me the one I love will no longer return to me. Tears stream from my eyes just thinking about it and my heart is just heavy with grief for all those who’s…

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“My People”


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     I have left the topic of race alone for years out of fear of upsetting people I love, out of fear of losing friends, and out of fear of ridicule. I have listened to people who claim to love me talk about the white race making me feel like the scum at the bottom of the sea. I have heard the words “my people” more times than I can count and cringed because well to be honest I thought I was “your people”.  I have listened to people complain about segregation yet continue to segregate themselves with the words they use and the actions they take. I have cried over hurtful things my friends and loved ones have said without even knowing how hurtful it was to me.

     Now I may lose friends over this and I may make some enemies but that is okay. If I lose friends and make enemies for speaking what is on my mind in a respectful and loving manner then you were not meant to be in my life anyway.

     I have been married to a black man for 15 years. I have gone to a “black” church for over 13 years. I have children that are mixed. One of my best friends is a beautiful black woman. I have faced hateful people. I have been called a traitor to my race. Black women have glared at me with hate because I have taken one of “their” good men. I have had someone in my own neighborhood drive by my house and scream out the word nigger making me drop to the ground in hopes that a rock coming through my window wasn’t the next thing following that hateful word. I have walked through the grocery store with my beautiful mixed babies and heard comments about how “it’s such a shame”. I have had people I thought loved me tell me,” I have to choose I can’t be black and white”. I have dealt with hate. I have dealt with racism. Maybe not in the same way you have but I have felt the fear, the anger, the bitterness, the outrage ect. I worry when I’m in crowded places. I’m scared for my kids when they leave this house. I constantly am aware of my surroundings waiting for that one ignorant person or group to attack with their hate.

     Hate and ignorance is everywhere, in every race and sadly it isn’t going anywhere. We cannot change it, but we can change the way we respond to it. Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” And that is the simple truth. If you want to see change, start with yourself. Let go of the hate you carry. Forgive the past and anything else that is sucking the life out of you. React with love and generosity of spirit. Set the example. Release the bitterness. Dare to be different.

     It really doesn’t matter what the issues are, have you ever seen anything solved with hate, judgment, or violence? Stop condemning and judging people because of the color of their skin or their history. Stop spitting hateful accusations. When we act out in this way we are no better than the ignorant hateful people out there. A matter of fact we are worse because we know we are wrong, they believe they are right.

     You are all MY PEOPLE!!! I do not see color, nationality, religion, sex, ect as something that disqualifies you from being MY PEOPLE. I love you for the beautiful and wonderful person God made you to be. It’s time to make a change in ourselves. Be the change.

 

T. Jordan ~ Sept. 2014

Step Inside My Heart


Reading through posts from when I first started blogging, thought I would re-share this one. 🙂 

Step inside my heart

Feel what I feel

See what I see

When I cry, understand why

When I laugh, feel it deep in your soul

See my struggles, understand them

Recognize my pain as your own

Hold my heart

Cherish it

Recognize its strength

Protect it

Love it

Don’t control it

Understand it

Take time to feel each heart beat

Breathe in and feel the thud against your own chest

Don’t take it for granted

Know that it is true

Virtuous

Unlike any other

By Tammy Jordan

The Station ~ by Robert J. Hastings


“Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train.

“Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of city skylines and village halls.

“But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there our dreams will come true, and the pieces of our lives will fit together like a jigsaw puzzle.

“How restlessly we pace the aisles….waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.

“When we reach the station, that will be it,” we cry.

“When I’m 18….’

“When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes-Benz….’

“When I put the last kid through college….’

“When I have paid off the mortgage….’

“When I get a promotion….’

“When I reach the age of retirement. I shall live happily ever after.’

“Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of lifeis the trip, the Station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us.

“Relish the moment’ is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24, This is the day which the Lord hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it.

“It isn’t the burdens of today that drive a man mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.

“So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less.

“Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.”

Okay this is me talking now 🙂 I read this essay at a time when I most needed it. A reminder that we are always moving, always changing, always reaching for more because once one thing is accomplished we are again saying, “okay well if I just do this then I will be” We must learn to be happy where we are at in the moment. The moment is all that we have. Yesterday is over, why regret it, learn and move on. Tomorrow hasn’t come so why worry about it. Today though this very moment what will you do? How will you impact your life? How will you impact others lives? It is all in your hands. We have the true blessing of waking up each day to a brand new beginning. It is up to us how we use it. We can choose to go through the same struggles, the same worries, the same turmoil of the day before. We can choose to allow regrets and worries to haunt us and control us from day to day. OR we can lift up our chin, stick our chest out and boldly move into a new day with the conviction that we deserve better than we have been allowing ourselves. If you have to scream to get it through your thick skull then dang it scream, dance, cry whatever it is that you need to do to make yourself move through the journey to the station do it. But please, please do not sit on the bench waiting for the train to come to you because if you do everyone else will board the train without you and pass you by. You are worth the journey just get up and put one foot in front of the other. xoxo TJ

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Finding My Inner Thin Girl….Take 2


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Okay…yeah that was a long hiatus I know but my inner thin girl is back and ready to try this again. This past year there has been crazy changes in my life, so many I won’t even go into detail because I’m bound to just start crying and then I’ll never finish this post. Let’s just say that trials and tribulations have been the name of the game and I won!!!!

Yeah, you read right I won and I’m ready for the next set of challenges…(grr I think) lol

So, here I am back on the track of trying to find MY HEALTHY (not the worlds healthy). I believe we all have to find our own since of healthy. Not everyone is going to go on the health craze of getting rid of every single bad thing possible. And I know me, that probably won’t be me. No I won’t go vegan, or vegetarian cause dog gone it I like a nice thick steak from time to time or a juice yummy succulent hamburger. However, my healthy is more of a let me learn what to eat, when to eat it and how much to eat. I think I’m more apt to stick to it that way. This will be my only post about it here on the main page, so if you want to follow my journey or lend some encouragement you will have to check for posts on the page tab marked Finding My Inner Thin Girl, otherwise I’m just journaling for myself and making it public to hold myself accountable.

So what this all means is it’s time for a lifestyle change, no more late night snacking out of boredom or emotions. No more quick runs for fast food because I’m being too lazy to cook. And ummm yeah this will be the hard one, no more Soda every time I want a drink… L Sigh! Water has got to become my friend.

Water is my friend, water is my friend, water is my friend, and water is my friend. It really is going to be the hardest one for me.

Okay so here are my goals for the next 12 weeks….

First I am not putting a number for weight loss amount because that is where I end up getting mad and quitting. Whatever I lose is going to be enough because I am going to have tried my hardest to make it happen.

So here are my goals

  1. Drink 4-6 bottles of water a day. (I cannot drink anything else until I have drank at least 4)
  2. Eat a salad for at least one meal a day or juice a meal. ( I love veggies so this isn’t going to be an issue, I hope)
  3. No late night snacking
  4. In bed no later than 11:00 p.m.
  5. 3 days cardio
  6. 3 days stretching/yoga
  7. Keep a journal…at least 1 entry a week (That would be you guys here, so hold me accountable)

This is where I’m going to start…I’m praying this is one I can stick with. I have issues with allowing depression or emotional eating to take control and using it as an excuse. Can’t let that happen anymore. I’m getting too old and it is too important to get my health in order, besides I want my grandbabies when I finally have them to be able to brag about their gorgeous grandma LOL

Who will hopefully look something like the picture below by then …..my goal body lol

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Okay friends so that’s that! I normally would set up my goals and say okay here it is I’ll start next week, but if I’m going to do it, I just need to do it. So tomorrow morning it’s on. My accountability partner will have my before pic, weight, and measurements before the end of the night and we will be kicking butt together, love you Ann. I have fought the battle of the bulge all my life so all prayers are appreciated. It will take divine intervention to keep me on track and keep my loved ones sane during this time lol

Xoxoxox TJ

Memorial Day!


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Memorial Day, A day, the last Monday in May (originally May 30th), on which those who died in active military service are remembered.

I wonder how many people have no clue what Memorial Day even means. How many people plan their BBQ’s, camping trips, and get togethers with nothing more on their mind than a cold beer and some laughs with a few friends.

It hurts my heart to think of all the men and women who gave their lives so that we could be free, all the families who lost their son, daughter, mother, father, aunt, or uncle. I can’t fathom the feeling of seeing someone walking to my front door in full uniform to tell me the one I love will no longer return to me. Tears stream from my eyes just thinking about it and my heart is just heavy with grief for all those who’s loved ones where taken so unkindly from them.

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So today, for those of you who just simply may not know, Memorial Day is a day of remembrance and a day of mourning, a day to honor our fallen, to celebrate their lives, their courage, and their love for America.  Memorial Day is not just a holiday; it’s not just a day to gather our friends and family and BBQ or go camping, in fact it’s not a holiday at all, it is a day of remembrance.

Slowly we are seeing traditional observance of Memorial Day disappear. America seems to have forgotten our traditions that make us who we are. We have pulled away from so many customs and traditions that it has become the new definition of who we are. No longer a nation built on God which at one time was our foundation, no longer a nation of the free, but a free nation lacking morals, integrity, and values. A nation that has taken for granted its freedoms, that’s allowed the foundation to crumble and that has lost sight of who we are.

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How many people actually even know what the traditional observance of Memorial Day is? How many graves of our fallen hero’s do you think sit’s forgotten? How many people do you think actually fly their flags or even know the etiquette to do so?

In case you don’t know let me help you out a bit.

On Memorial Day we remember our family, our neighbors, our friends, our ancestors, those we never even knew, for giving the ultimate sacrifice, for standing in the gap, for fighting, for believing, for being our hero’s!

The way we would traditionally honor these men and women is by visiting the graves of our fallen heroes and placing flags and flowers on their graves. We would visit memorials, put in place to honor them. We would fly our flags at half-staff until noon, also flying our POW/MIA flags. We would participate in a “National Moment of Remembrance” at 3pm to pause and remember the meaning of the day and to play TAPs. As well we would renew a pledge to aid the widows, widowers, and orphans of our fallen and aid our disabled veteran’s (us.memorialday.org, 1994-2009).

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Today however our focus seems to be more on, what campsite we can get. How many friends we can gather for a BBQ, what selfish ways we can entertain ourselves. It’s sad that we have come so far away from who we were founded as a nation to be.

I ask you to just do one thing, to remember and to honor our fallen soldiers. To do one thing to show love, support and encouragement to those left behind. You do not have to know them to reach out to them.

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I’ll leave you with a few poems that touched my heart ….May God bless each and every one of you reading this.

MEMORIAL DAY, 2007

FOR OUR TROOPS (both past and present)

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Though I don’t know your name
And I have never seen your face
I shed tears for you.

Though my memories don’t contain a time
We shared together
I miss you.

Though we are not related
You are in my thoughts.

When I’m eating, or taking a shower, or doing housework,
I think of you, knowing how much you wish you could be at home,
Your stomach full, doing mundane chores such as cleaning your house,
Clean from a fresh shower.

Though you are at terrible risk, and perhaps may not survive,
You are NEVER ALONE, and will always be alive
If only in our spirits, hopes and memories, our dreams for your future.

There are MILLIONS of people praying for you tonight
And throughout the day.

Praying for your safety and return as a whole person
In mind, body and spirit.

We are crying because we know. We know you are scared, and lonely.
And that you’d give anything to see your family, to hug you mother, father.
Your child, sister, brother, aunt, uncle.

To be showered with love and comfort,
Instead of sand and shrapnel.

We long for you too, with an ache so desperate as to make us insane.
To touch your face, see your smile; share your laughter and your tears.

We love you so much soldiers, you cannot know. You cannot fathom the swelling of pride in our chest as we think of you.
Of your courage and your sacrifice, the hope that you can come home soon.

And those that have returned, we have not forgotten you; you are in our prayers,
That you may recover from your experience and be healed.

No matter what anyone says, not matter the reason you are there,
You are a UNITED STATES SOLDIER, and you make us PROUD!!
Every day for that beautiful flag, for our great fortune to be Americans.

There are no politics, no scandals, no mistakes, NOTHING, which can diminish the sentiment we have for you.
And even as democracy permits free speech, as it should, which some may use to make judgments or cast aspersions,
Remember always, we know you’d rather be on the couch debating it with us than spending your days trying just to stay alive.

Let no “freedom of speech’ EVER make you doubt the American people’s faith in and love for you.
We are PROUD!

I’ve never met you, but I want you to know that I love you.
I’m praying for you.
I honor you.
I’m waiting for your return.

On this Memorial Day, 2007, and every day,
Please know that you are being thought of.
WE MISS YOU.
GOD BLESS YOU and keep you until the day we can celebrate face to face.

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©Copyright 1981 by CDR Kelly Strong, USCG (Ret).

I watched the flag pass by one day.
It fluttered in the breeze.
A young Marine saluted it,
And then he stood at ease.
I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
With hair cut square and eyes alert
He’d stand out in any crowd.
I thought how many men like him
Had fallen through the years.
How many died on foreign soil?
How many mothers’ tears?
How many pilots’ planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers’ graves?
No, freedom isn’t free.

I heard the sound of taps one night,
When everything was still
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.
I wondered just how many times
That taps had meant “Amen,”
When a flag had draped a coffin
Of a brother or a friend.
I thought of all the children,
Of the mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons and husbands
With interrupted lives.
I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea
Of unmarked graves in Arlington.
No, freedom isn’t free.

And on that note…God bless America and God bless you! Xoxoxo TJ

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