I recently had this set up as a page so you may have read it already but I realized you don’t get updates on things set up like that. So I am moving it to a regular post. This is my story about finding my Her, you know that person inside of you who screams at you that you can and more often than not we choose to ignore out of fear or whatever else may be holding us back. Anyway the following is my story, my struggles and I encourage you to join me on my journey as I move closer to my her. It’s always more fun to have a friends who support you. 🙂
When I Am Her
I struggle daily with allowing my her to surface. You would think it easy to let the best of yourself shine but for me, and I’m sure many of you, it is a struggle. For years I did not believe there was a better side to me. I did not believe I was worth shining and. At times I still find myself slipping into those old thought patterns. I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, I’m not worth being loved because I’m fat. Who could love this? Thought patterns that tore me down and hid my true her.
I have never taken a compliment well. I couldn’t put my faith in them. I’ve never felt I was good enough for anyone.
However, right before my mother passed away, I began to see glimpses of her. It was as if she were fighting to get to the surface, to be seen. I do not recall where I was when I first saw her but I remember feeling of empowered when I realized there was something more to me than being a daughter, a wife and a mother. I was so much more! I became overwhelmed with the need to change. I had become this frumpy, overweight, stressed mess of a woman and I hated the woman I saw in the mirror. She moved through her day numb to her own pains and ignored her inner plea for help.
But on this particular day, I remember hearing her inner plea. It was so loud, almost as if she were yelling at me, “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED ANYMORE!” Truly, it was a life changing moment. It was the beginning of my journey back to me.
When I think about her…I cannot say I ever truly envisioned her until the day I sat down with my dear friend, Chivon. She questioned me about her, asking question after question, forcing me dig deeper and see the beautiful, confidant, passionate, accomplished, loving woman she is. I see her so clearly now. I envision her standing boldly in front of a crowd, ready to deliver a speech and chat intimately with a group of women; encouraging them and reminding them to believe. I see her at a book signing, reading a passage from her bestseller. I see the glow in her face, the joy radiating from her and her infectious smile. I can hear her laughter see her living in a beautiful home on the beach, admiring the ocean. Content. Happy. Finally whole.
Lastly, foresee when her life is over. There is a room overflowing with people whose lives she made an impact in; a room of people, not mourning, but celebrating because her life was well lived.
I want to be that woman so bad it hurts. I can see glimpses of her as if she is teasing me. Yet the woman I am today still has a very long way to go before I reach her. Fear still holds me back. Belief in myself, that I am capable of becoming her, is still shaky. I have allowed myself to hide behind layers of fat, using it as my excuse not to become her; to not live. Throwing up walls all around me to protect myself from disappointments, hurts and failures, allowing the words of others to dictate how I feel about myself. Never believing I’m enough because it’s always Just five more pounds Tammy. I could not trust her to be enough.
I will tell you this. When it hits you you’re worth the change and that the only person you have to be enough for is yourself,WOW! It’s like a ton of bricks hits you while at the same time, the weight of the world is lifted from you.
When my mom started to waste away from cancer something changed inside of me and I made gradual attempts to change. I began to move away from my own darkness, from wallowing in self -pity, from my own words of self- hatred and towards the light inside myself. I started to allow myself to shine. Although my journey to her is just starting, I can finally allow myself to be her and know I am NOT selfish for being the best me possible. I was being selfish for NOT being the best me and by not sharing it with everyone around me.
I am not sure where this journey will take me. Each day I wake up and have to remind myself I am worth it, that I am strong enough and the warrior I’m searching for is inside me, ready to fight. All I have to do is unleash her. It took a long time to face myself and not immediately retreat into my shell.
This path I am on with the loss of my mother, has been fueled by the love and encouragement of my friends and family, and will ultimately end with me. I know I will have become her when I look in the mirror and the woman I see staring back at me is overflowing with so much joy there is no room for even the smallest of negative thought. Only then will I know the woman I am on the inside has finally made it to the surface, to shine!
Love, Tammy Jordan
P.S. If you want to know more about how to find your Her, take a look at the book When I Am Her by Chivon Morris. It is an amazing book that helps guide you on your path to self-discovery, teaches you to love yourself for the woman you are, and helps you to believe in your worth. I have posted her blog link as well as her website for you below.
Take the time to check these links out, you might just find what you’ve been looking for.